As is well understood, “The worth of souls is great in the sight of the lord.” We are created in his image, infused with divinity, we are sons and daughters of God, the love he has for each of us individually is incomprehensible. Knowing that we are in the likeness of God, with absolute divinity, being literally the son or daughter of Heavenly Father, Christ’s atonement was not a simple inheritance to any who might believe, but was essential in the grand design to ensure that we, created in God’s image, filled with a divine spirit, and the progeny of Heavenly parents, are able to return once more, knowledgeable, stronger and wiser, to exist eternally in a reality of immeasurable possibility.
This is my best description but in truth represents the least of Christ’s love which, demonstrated though the atonement, I simply don’t understand. It is understandable that those in life who are extraordinary and have great significance to us, we love openly, deeply and we are assured of their divine essence. Why, then, is it such a frustratingly complicated project to feel this kind of love for one’s self and to understand a mere portion of the worth that the Lord sees as great in his sight?
Insecurity has been a lifelong battle. I was a confident young man but inside I perpetually questioned and doubted myself. My sexuality complicated my insecurity tremendously at a young age, so much that the insecurity became a mass of tangled confusion coupled with a future I knew lie in store but realized with dread what it all meant and could not face. My mental condition has at points caused me to believe I am everything from the personification of energy, Jesus Christ for a time, Adolph Hitler even, but the real struggle and the terror of my episodes was the perpetual belief that I was indeed The Beast and every wrong of the universe was my responsibility. I have reasoned with myself in numbers untold but with every answer my mind would find a loop hole and reach a completely illogical psychotic concept and thus my delusion carried on.
It was in the temple contemplating, my mind was drawn to an incidental reality of the Veil. It is nothing terribly important, simply matter of fact but I was ready for it and it was a gift from the Lord. This incidental knowledge was indeed a needle in a haystack but the time was right and the knowledge was given... it cannot be questioned... it is absolute... For the first time in my life, I have the possibility to build on a foundation of realization of self worth. Not only was that possibility made manifest by God but what I have gained through the knowledge I possess and my testimony of the Gospel has transformed me utterly and completely.
During a long period of inactivity, a dread I feared most of Mormonism was not the usual prescription for what I must give up, but the fear of the sense of self, the identity, the uniqueness, and my fundamental pleasures in life that would suddenly be robbed and I would have to be another Peter Priesthood. There is no Peter Priesthood. He does not exist, he is a myth.
Through the course of last year and my penetrative study into fundamentals of existence and reality according the LDS faith, the answers to my questions came through inspiration and I wrote many thoughts in a journal. A most profound realization is that reality itself is simply the Gospel of Jesus Christ manifest by the joyous Plan of Salvation. I learned what eternity meant, I realized that it was not endless time, the thought of which exhausts me, but a state absent of time and with total possibility. I realized that two of my most sacred values, beauty and truth, are no more equivocally expressed in life than in the Gospel.
As self-conscious as I am with the way I dress, with increased confidence I became very free with my personal expression. Certain resentments that I harbored drawing my mind towards chaos ceased to matter as I had an abundance of love in my life, more than I have known. There was a ward who loved and cared for me and shared with me in every way they could and a bishop who is very much like a drill sergeant putting me through Melchizedek priesthood boot camp and helping me and assuring that it happen… this bishop loved and believed in me like no other. My familial relationships are the joys and loves of my life. My mind has undergone dramatic changes. Although I experience all of the features of schizoaffective I have known for 18 years, I am able to squeeze through them objectively understanding them as symptoms and still stand on firm ground where once the slightest trigger would incite psychosis in a manic and eventually a depressive state. And the most marvelous aspect of my learning and my reconversion to the gospel is that I am the truest manifestation of Ehren than I have ever known. My mind is sharper therefore my writing is far greater and improves with every article I produce. This is my life's passion and I owe completely my ability and success to the Lord. I am more liberated to be and do and express those things that make me me.
To conclude, the reality of what was a fear of an ultimate homogeneity that would result from full conversion and activity and temple worthiness is the opposite of what I have experienced. Why didn’t someone let me in on this secret, that it is so cool to be a Mormon? How can one not be a Mormon? My self worth is profound. My testimony like all testimonies is unique to me based on my own perspective and experience with the gospel, I am able to know truth as much as I put the effort into realizing it, experience true beauty in all things, and the fear that I would loose my individuality has been replaced by a more dynamic, successful, happy, unique, acceptingly eccentric, loving and very happy individual who is enjoyably distinctive. Our spirits are all unique as are our lives. This phenomenon represents the power in the Gospel of Jesus Christ to effectuate real and absolute change and a God who desires for his children not uniform homogeneity and one mind but for each of us to shine in our special ways with our special talents sharing our own special testimonies and developing our special abilities each with a very special purpose. Yes, being a Mormon is very cool.
I love this post so much.
ReplyDeleteRemember when you left Provo and we were going to be pen pals? Remember the letter you sent me, saying that you did NOT want to talk about yourself, that it was essentially a cardinal rule that we could not do that? Oh, that made me ache. First of all, I'm not much of an intellectual, and second of all, the YOU inside you and the ME inside me, and the US inside us all hold pure and endless fascination for me. I LOVE people, and LOVE to know them. I LOVE to know how they come to know themselves. The inner infinite is as beautiful as stars and heavens. In other words: I am so GLAD you are now willing to talk about yourself! And what an exquisite self you are!
Other thought (my first thought, really): My mom had a home teacher once, when she lived in the Deep South, who described Jesus this way: "I don't understand him, but He's sweet." The Atonement is so far beyond me, and yet it is offered to me to plunge into and swim myself clean and vital. Every day of my life, dive, dive. I can't fathom its depths and complexity. And yet I can't imagine going on another moment without it. Evolution may have once caused us to crawl from the ocean to suck at the parching air, but the Atonement converts us into creatures that can breathe underwater again. We can not only drink away our thirst but also be one with the living water.
('Scuze me for the random and rapturous ramble!)
Sorry I did not respond earlier, Geo, I was experiencing one of my prolonged day time nocturnes. Not fun. I remember the proposal to be pen pals back then. I was absolutely serious about my commitment to refrain from anything personal about myself... because I was walking a thin wire back then. Now, to tie in your words of wisdom of the Atonement, I am "drinking away my thirst to be one with the living water." Geo, Mrs Peach, the Atonement has indeed become very real in my life, a surety, a certainty, not a given to take for granted but a given to take a hold of and utilize in all aspects of our lives as it is indeed applicable in the farthest nether regions of the most dismal cobwebbed corner of our life... the Atonement reaches even that and so is the quality of the savior whom we truly "do not understand" but I call I'm my own humble way the embodiment and the full realization and measure of the sublime. He is so real, the light you and I are enjoying this fine July morning would not shine and we would not feel its warmth and the warmth of each other without His reality. He is reality. He gives us reality while making it articulate, possible and beautiful if we only but grab ahold of the gift he gave us to use in limitless ways. So marvelous. Geo, I am proud to be LDS and would not be caught dead without my temple recommend but the saintliness of the Latter-Day Saint intimidates me, as surely it does us all, but expect more personal revolution Geo peach, from this guy who has been there and done that and has learned and lived to tell the tall and is no longer on wire but on the rock of reality which is Jesus Christ. You might refer back to an older post titled "Reality" which I would like to reread which had His picture in white standing in glory amongst angels. What a reality. I invite you to reread it too. It should be interesting. Much love and respect Go Peach. EEC xxxxxooooo
ReplyDeleteEloquent and intelligently worded. This is what so many in the world need to hear. Please keep writing! People will notice! Someone will hear what they need to hear from you. I have been touched by what I read. Even though our struggles may be different, they are in many ways the same and can draw us together.
ReplyDeleteBy the way I fixed my Blogger name so you would know it was me! :D I forgot I was using my 'goofy' alias when I posted a response. Ehren, let me just say I am glad we met at Jeff's art show, and whenever I get the chance I'll come check your writing out. I love it.
DeleteJeff, do me a favor, I just posted on FB a reworked version of an earlier post "What is Mormon Existentialism?" that also involves how I now intend to use my personal experience to show how the Gospel can transform lives. I would really appreciate it if you go back and read this post. For most just starting with my blog it might have read as obscure but now, after getting familiar with the language, this post is revelatory and will put all into perspective. Please do this for me. It takes a few moments. And you as an invested follower, you must investigate. Thanks so much Jeff and abundant love to the family.
DeleteDink McDinkleman was not the best ;)
DeleteThank you so much for your informed words that spoke of enthusiasm and motivation for me. As might be, this endeavor is truly a labor of love drawing from a profound lifetime's experience and I sincerely appreciate your appreciation of the quality in my blog. From the beginning I presented the first 20 or so posts that were entirely academic, an existential curative if you will, but I came to notice that the posts that used my experience personally seen through my philosophical lens have been the ones that have made the most impact. So I am focusing on this presently but intend to interchange. I sincerely encourage you to look for my post about a week from now which I will title "Being Yourself:Managing Same Sex Attraction." Although mental illness has been the toil of my life my sexuality has been the most damaging to my spirit and the most significant change in my person before reactivating in 2005. I am waiting a week to give this post serious and careful thought of how it should be addressed... but I know the essential meaning will be that "being yourself," contrary to a delusioned world, is fluid with mastery over trials of any sort including same sex attraction. Please watch for this and leave a comment if you can. I am putting in the effort to make it my best post yet. Hopefully and prayerfully that will manifest. Again, I appreciate your thoughtful comment, EEC
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